Notes on myself.
Chicago, 2026
I'm a former actuary, published researcher, investment executive, and CEO. I'm a husband and a father of two, and I love golf, exploring the world, and solving puzzles. And I'm ten years into the most meaningful work of my life: discovering who I am underneath the roles. This is how that happened.
The kid who let his brother do the talking
Quiet, easy, no needs, no trouble. They called me Silent Sam. My brother Brent did the talking for both of us, and I let him. And I did what boys like me do: achieved to prove I was enough, stayed quiet to stay safe, and controlled my experience to keep everything steady.
Everything went to plan
Fellow of the Society of Actuaries at 24, the same year I married my amazing wife. Two perfect kids, born when I was 29 and 31. Managing Director at UBS at 32. Five promotions in eight years. Along the way I published academic-quality research in the Journal of Portfolio Management, the Journal of Investing, and the CFA curriculum. My gift was taking complexity and making it simple. The first half of life went according to plan.
London
By then I was the Head of Investment for $1.4 trillion in assets at one of the world's largest asset management businesses. Mid-presentation, one I'd given a hundred times, I had my first panic attack. Couldn't breathe, kept talking, have no idea what I said. I felt weak and ashamed. After that, I took medication whenever I had to give a presentation, and it worked great. I was promoted to CEO in 2016. I started to become interested in why I needed medication to prevent panic attacks when presenting.
Brent
My brother died at 43. We'd grown apart for twenty years. My one regret isn't that I couldn't save him. It's the types of questions I never asked him: Brent, what's it like being you? Asked with the courage and strength to accept however he responded. This was also a period of time I started feeling more and more closed off to people, my wife in particular. I noticed that my wife was getting scared that she was losing me. Somehow I had everything a man would want on paper, but inside I felt lonely, lost, and like a loser.
The work begins
I went looking for the source instead of the symptoms through study, therapy, breathwork, meditation, and retreats. I grieved my brother, and losing him made me want to do better by my sister. In time, and with support from some amazing allies, I no longer needed the medication when I spoke. I also felt reconnected to my wife. And in 2024 I did the thing that made no sense: I left the CEO job I'd spent my whole life earning, with no plan. Just an intuitive sense that I had to find out who I was underneath the roles, what I actually wanted, and who I'd need to become to get there.
Into the unknown
No title, no plan, no good answer to "so what's next?" The emptiest stretch of my life. I sat with the fears I'd been outrunning since I was a kid. Facing the hard feelings turned out to be half the work. The other half was learning to see my gifts clearly and take responsibility for using them. I also started a men's group, and leading it has helped me get clearer about what I want.
Still answering the call
I look back on the panic attacks with gratitude now for setting me down this path. I'm not finished, and I still stumble from time to time. But I keep opening up and discovering who I am, and now I want to help other men do the same.